Living on the edge

Living on the edge of my own reality, trying to keep it from seeping into my conscious. My very good friend is beginning the battle of her life with breast (catstir)...she's creative and has unique stamped all over herself, and that is her word. I adore her, she inspires me and has given me the very amazing gift of recapturing our teenage passions. We were both rebellious and outspoken, definitely on the fringe of what was considered normal back then, thank God. She (can I say your name, Monkey) is courageous and resilient because of and in spite of what she's already been through, and this fight will most likely give her more than it will take from her, that's just her nature. I speak like I know Monkey so well, but we really just recently rediscovered each other. The connection is intense for me, I find myself considering her perspective a great deal. She inspired me to start a blog, and I do it for myself, to get it all out. I don't expect a reader base, I just need to vent, this is my diary.

So I'm scared for her and myself. I know this is selfish but I don't want to lose her, not that I think catstir will claim her physical life, I know it will not. I fear she will not need me in her life because she will be so much stronger than anyone realizes, even her, that she will change. I know she will change. I don't know exactly how, but this is one of those life altering events, like having a child, or losing a child, as she has. You are never the same after these events, never. Will I be able to stay worthy of her friendship when she rises up in this fight? Will I have anything to offer?

This is not happening to me, it isn't about me. But this is my perspective. For now.

I worry about how she is handling the emotional aspect of this frightening diagnosis, and if she has enough people giving her the support she needs, and do I dare feel I am able to help?

And then I think, change is growth, and that is Shannon. Always growing. Always rising. It will be up to me to make it my business to keep up. To continue to grow also.

I will start tomorrow.