Rebel rebel, you swore you'd text...

Yeah, I'm a rebel. A groundbreaker. A free spirit, a random thinking, out of the box, weird kind of girl (woman) but I'm still a girl at heart..

I don't want to fit into a mold or a pre-determined way of life, and I almost, ooooo I came SOOO close for a minute there, did. I had the house, 2 cars, husband, kids, even had the dog. I stayed at home, made play dates, did laundry, exercised to Cindy Crawford tapes (remember tapes??? VCR tapes???) and cooked dinner. Sometimes. That wasn't my strong point. Neither was socializing with my then husband's people he knew from high school, they were all 4 years younger than me, and seemed so shallow and so, pointless. Not because I was better than them, but because I felt unaccepted by them. I mean, what is the point of going to events with people that clearly don't want to hang out with you, but are tolerating you because of whom you are married to???? Who needs that kind of constant negative self image bounced off the glassy eyed mirrored mom-bots???? So I did my own thing, I made my own friends. I joined karate, I started going to school for Nuclear Medicine (two very off the grid past times/vocations). And I got my black belt, then my teaching certificate, then my second degree black belt. And I graduated from Nuclear School. And not long after all that, I lost my husband to....I don't know. He probably was sick of me being so damned independent, and such a free spirit that needed to get away from him and his apathy. Oh he wasn't apathetic about everything, just me. And we fought. Yelled, pushed each other, got to hate each other. So apathy I could definitely rip hatred from when I wanted his attention. My youngest daughter and I were talking recently and I asked her what her earliest memory was. "You don't want to know". "Of course I do, that's why I asked? What is it?" "Mom, really, you don't want to know." Quizzical look on my face, followed by her looking at the ground. "Ok, just say it", I say. "You and daddy fighting." Oh. Christ. I shook my head and apologized (for the 100th time) for that part of our lives, and for her being a child of divorce. Ugh.

Fourteen years later, I'm divorced longer than I was married (either time-2nd marriage referenced above...) and feel, like in that movie, The Object of my Affection, when the older gentleman says to Jennifer Aniston's character, "Don't fix your life so you're alone just as you get to the middle of it." And there are no accidents, I take full responsibility for my actions and re-actions, my paths and decisions.  So I'm going to travel. I'm going to find a way, find the funds and the companions (maybe) to do it!!!! And I'm not going to do anything expected, I'm going to find my new path and forge it. With or without anyone else...we'll seee......but I bet whatever I do, it will be uniquely me. And that's ok...