Saying Goodbye

My Dad passed away Friday night, well Saturday morning at 1:41am. There was a hospice nurse with my sister Marleen and I, we were in his room at Cardinal Village, where he was living. A week earlier, he had been hospitalized with high leukocyte count and possible dehydration. Dad had stopped eating and was taking in just water, very weak and yet in no pain. Tests were run, and showed stage 4 cancer, mets to the liver and lungs, possibly from colon or pancreatic cancer. The necessary procedures to determine exactly the origin were refused by us, his children. Three months was the prognosis, possibly less as Dad wasn't eating. We had him on hospice, in a special bed, warm and comfortable. We visited, and sat with him while he mostly slept, giving him water whether he asked for it or not..Dad do you want some water? Yes please. A few sips and a sigh, Thank you, always polite. I need to sleep now. Ok Dad. Tuesday I stopped by and sat with him for an hour, watching him sleep, giving him water when his eyes opened, he asked how my niece was making out with the car he had sold her. I told him I loved him and stopped by Wednesday, he was sleeping and didn't even wake up when I came into his room. I only stayed for a few minutes. My birthday was Thursday, I went shopping, ran some errands, and never made it over that day. Friday when I got there, he wasn't talking anymore. Just breathing and with such effort, he looked so changed, his eyes seemed not to be seeing us. We talked to him anyway, told him we loved him, held his hand, stroking his face gently. I love you Dad, I know you are tired, Dad. Rest now, Dad. When he took his final breath, we didn't realize it was his last. "Is he gone??" It was startling to me, I was so surprised. So sad. My heart is heavy, my sighs have a depth to them that seem to have their very own life. I am so tired, so heavy. I will never regret his living here, I hope he was comfortable, I tried to make sure he was. I felt anxious and dreaded his coming to live with me, I kept thinking it would be horrible, he was a very tough man, but he was changed, so much easier to please than I would have thought possible. My sisters and I met yesterday to talk about what we wanted to do regarding the party he requested in lieu of a funeral. We will carry his ashes to our home town on Friday and have them placed with my Mom's casket, in the cold Pennsylvania ground, next to my nephew Brandon, who left us too early at 16. There will be room for one more urn in that spot. Who will the lucky recipient be?

I hope it is many, many years before anyone else dies. I feel this parting so heavily, another would surely undo me for good.