Summer is at the halfway point. Not one trip to the beach yet, how I've changed. How I've grown. And how I've settled. Sinking into my couch or bed to read, write, play internet games, watch movies...I seem to have less and less motivation...is this just aging? Or is it depression? The prozac probably isn't even working anymore, it does seem I've plateaued. When I first started taking it, it was amazing how clear everything seemed!! How much better I felt, I started exercising, watching my diet, really feeling good about myself. What the heck happened? suddenly, or not so suddenly, over about 2 years time, I've turned into one of those 50 something wrecks!!! And I'm really torn. When I look in the mirror, ugh, I feel repulsed. But I have yet to do something about it!! Three of my four kids are living here, two of them have a child of their own living here too. I'm obsessed with my friend's health, worrying about her and her trials, but I'm neglecting my own. Really don't get it. But I'm going to Burning Man. I can't make the whole trip, but I know I'll get something out of anytime in that environment, so I am going. Fuck everything else, including (and this is bad) work. I have this crazy desire to just chuck it, cash in all my retirement savings and just do whatever the hell I want. I could, but this is not a smart or sensible decision, so I'm not making it. I'm just considering it. Like, selling the house, moving away from here and starting over. At my age???? That's just crazy. So I'm not doing it.
But damn I just want freedom. Freedom from my boss, my days, sucked up by other people's issues and problems, needing so much from the professional me. There must be a better way.
No comments:
Post a Comment