It's quarter after two...I haven't slept a wink...

Ok I did sleep earlier, but now I am wide awake. I've played 12 sets of Candy Crush damnit, hate that stupid time wasting game. I re-read my friend's blogs, looked up some old burning man pics, thought about reading, and then remembered I even started this blog. And kind of let it drop.

So I'm on vacation in two days, and the first thing I'm having done is my very first ever colonoscopy. I am so excited. It is really amazing how my perspective in life has changed. I used to think about boys, and clothes, shoes, makeup, boys, going out, going to the beach, boys, drinking, partying, boys.

Now I am focused on my health. I had a heart monitor on for two weeks, which I'm betting comes back with normal results, the fluttering in my heart that I had been feeling for months did not occur but ONE time while I was wearing that annoying damn thing. Whatever.  Meantime, I have a friend in the middle of a legitimate health scare. Rectal cancer.  Preceded by a double mastectomy last year. Jesus, why does it have to pour all down on one person? She's in the middle of treatment right now, and her husband is with her. He is her rock, and I am so proud of their commitment to fighting together. It is humbling and lifts me to see their love for each other. Hey it ain't perfect, but what is and that's not the point. The point is they are together, a team. United. And although I know Shannon is the one experiencing the pain and side effects (affects???) of this treatment, Mark is there, always there. Quiet and supportive. I love them. I hope someday I meet someone who I can count on to fight alongside me, whatever the battle is, even if it's just living every day in this crazy f***ed up world.

So I'm worried about Shannon, and hoping she is ok, knowing she will  (this is one competitive chick, no way is she letting cancer get the best of her!) fuck cancer hard where it counts.

In the meantime, I've started therapy. I had a pretty scary situation about 3 months ago, my oldest son was in the middle of a major depression and needed some intervention. Took all my strength and emotional resources to do what needed to be done, and it left me....pretty freaked. And sick of facing everything ALONE!!! Realizing I had some issues to resolve from waaaayyy back, I started seeing a therapist. It is going well!!! I have dug up some pretty nasty memories and faced them with her, she is supportive and very gentle, and has taught me some relaxation techniques that are helping me to stay calm and recognize these are memories, not happening anymore. I feel like this post is all over the place, but I haven't written anything in a while. Just getting it out feels good.

My favorite poem

When You Are Old

BY WILLIAM BUTLER YEATS

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,

And nodding by the fire, take down this book,

And slowly read, and dream of the soft look

Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,

And loved your beauty with love false or true,

But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,

And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,

Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled

And paced upon the mountains overhead

And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

Money talks

Oh what a month so far. Arranging for new carpeting, new kitchen flooring, new deck, new baby...and of course, a baby shower.

What I envisioned as a lovely intimate gathering of women who love and support my daughter and her new alien nugget (affectionately named by yours truly) has turned into a massive, of almost wedding proportion affair!!! Finally, I convinced my mommy to be to only include women (the co-ed shower leaves me quite cold, and what man wants to spend a Sunday afternoon watching a roomful of women oohh and aahh at baby clothes?) which helped immensly. Yesterday was the kitchen floor installation, it looks beautiful, of course now I want to have the kitchen freshly painted. This weekend my family is planning to help me de-clutter the basement and switch the girls' rooms so the alien nugget can reside upstairs with momma and my youngest will live in the dungeon basement bedroom. Next Friday new carpets will be installed. I had 4 different estimates for a new deck yesterday, the existing deck is just waiting for someone to step through a board and get injured. It's wonderful to welcome new life, but dang is it ever expensive!!! And yet, what else is money for except to make your loved ones comfortable and safe????

I ask you, could life be any better???

:)

Last rites

We buried my Dad yesterday. We stood at the gravesite, where a wheelbarrow full of earth stood next to two pieces of plywood and an astroturf covered box. My sister placed my Dad's Robin's egg blue "urn" which was actually a rectangular shaped box, on the astroturf covered box. We stood on the wet ground, our heels sinking into the muddy grass. Two Airforce cadets ceremoniously unfolded the flag provided by the Vets association, snapped it into full open position, and ceremoniously re folded it back into the correct triangular shape, their hand positions precisely and carefully just so, their expressions solemn and professional. The sky opened up a biting wind, snow squall hitting our faces, the cold stinging our eyes. Upon completion of their flag folding duties, one of the cadets marched over to a tree, where his trumpet waited, and he beautifully played taps for my Dad. The sun sent warm rays over us just as he played. When he finished, he and his fellow cadet marched away. Some of us cried a little, some of us stood quietly. All of us waited for someone to guide us to the next step. My sister Peggy asked us to join her in the Lord's Prayer, when we finished, I placed the flowers Marleen had brought next to my Dad's "urn". For Mom, and Brandon, and Dad.

Now it is all over, I am exhausted. Physically and emotionally exhausted.

Rest in Peace, Dad.

Saying Goodbye

My Dad passed away Friday night, well Saturday morning at 1:41am. There was a hospice nurse with my sister Marleen and I, we were in his room at Cardinal Village, where he was living. A week earlier, he had been hospitalized with high leukocyte count and possible dehydration. Dad had stopped eating and was taking in just water, very weak and yet in no pain. Tests were run, and showed stage 4 cancer, mets to the liver and lungs, possibly from colon or pancreatic cancer. The necessary procedures to determine exactly the origin were refused by us, his children. Three months was the prognosis, possibly less as Dad wasn't eating. We had him on hospice, in a special bed, warm and comfortable. We visited, and sat with him while he mostly slept, giving him water whether he asked for it or not..Dad do you want some water? Yes please. A few sips and a sigh, Thank you, always polite. I need to sleep now. Ok Dad. Tuesday I stopped by and sat with him for an hour, watching him sleep, giving him water when his eyes opened, he asked how my niece was making out with the car he had sold her. I told him I loved him and stopped by Wednesday, he was sleeping and didn't even wake up when I came into his room. I only stayed for a few minutes. My birthday was Thursday, I went shopping, ran some errands, and never made it over that day. Friday when I got there, he wasn't talking anymore. Just breathing and with such effort, he looked so changed, his eyes seemed not to be seeing us. We talked to him anyway, told him we loved him, held his hand, stroking his face gently. I love you Dad, I know you are tired, Dad. Rest now, Dad. When he took his final breath, we didn't realize it was his last. "Is he gone??" It was startling to me, I was so surprised. So sad. My heart is heavy, my sighs have a depth to them that seem to have their very own life. I am so tired, so heavy. I will never regret his living here, I hope he was comfortable, I tried to make sure he was. I felt anxious and dreaded his coming to live with me, I kept thinking it would be horrible, he was a very tough man, but he was changed, so much easier to please than I would have thought possible. My sisters and I met yesterday to talk about what we wanted to do regarding the party he requested in lieu of a funeral. We will carry his ashes to our home town on Friday and have them placed with my Mom's casket, in the cold Pennsylvania ground, next to my nephew Brandon, who left us too early at 16. There will be room for one more urn in that spot. Who will the lucky recipient be?

I hope it is many, many years before anyone else dies. I feel this parting so heavily, another would surely undo me for good.

New Year, New Crap

Ugh, 2012 is just sucking the energy out of me. My horoscope says that Neptune is moving into Pisces and everything is going to be just wonderful, well it can't happen soon enough for me. My Dad is in the emergency room right now, dehydrated and failing, he is refusing to eat and drink, we think he's trying to starve himself. It's awful to watch, to stand by and not be able to do anything. He is depressed and giving up, Oh God I know how he feels!!!! Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and stay asleep,,,but there is so much that is good, my kids, music, my family, art, the beautiful sky and ocean and mountains and desert....there is a climate and a landscape for every possible person!!!! Breast cancer, depression, death, they are NOT the crux, they are the arrows that are slung at us, sometimes they find their mark, but we HAVE to pull them out and move forward!!!!!! By sheer will, because sometimes that is all we have. I have to reach in, deep inside, and pull out my determination to stay strong, lately I feel myself just falling over and laying down and not trying. In so many areas.

Going to find that strength, somewhere, somehow. Going to rear up against all the crap, and back kick it out of my way.

I am.

Oh the places you'll go...

I'm in Ct, in my friend's room, in her bed. She is in the guest room, hopefully sleeping. She has cancer. Her husband just lost his job, their insurance. He is in another state, not by her side right now. Her father is dying. We wait for the call from hospice. She is hopeful, funny, unique. Hurting. But surviving. I am here, wanting to offer comfort, support. Strength. Humor. Hope. I adore her, in a girl admiration kind of way. What am I, just a player in this horrific play, wishing for a happy ending, a validation of her spirit. The first time I visited here after Burning Man was a fantasy, a crazy, wild nite of drunken silliness. It will never be that again...but I don't care about that. This is so much more real, genuine and has its own beauty. Her pain and endurance make me feel like we (all of us!!!!!) can get through anything. And come out the other side, different, but even more beautiful, more raw, more authentic.

I continue to hope.